Sorry

I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past several weeks, and I realized something, and I thought it was important to tell you now:  But you were right:  It’s hard for me to admit but I think I became a really needy guy in our relationship and in many instances acted more like another kid that you had to take care of instead of an adult.  That’s not who I wanted to be, and it’s not who I wanted you to be with…  Cause you have a million things going on in your life, and what you need is someone who can share the load with you instead of being a dead weight.  The last thing you need is another child to raise, and the way I acted must have been exhausting for you to say the least….  and I’m sorry for that.

Aside

Plain…. Hardly

Saturday night you said that you looked plain that you looked like any other mom who had kids… I thought you should know: if the first time we met was on an airplane or in line somewhere, at some point I would’ve asked what you did for a living. But before asking I would’ve guessed: red carpet actress, fashion model, news reporter,… idk some sort of celebrity….  Anything that would put your picture on a billboard or something because that’s where it belongs. Just like I told you the other day in your truck: you have this picturesque quality to you. To put it simply: your feminine physique fascinates me and I think your drop dead gorgeous.

Plain….. Hardly

I remember the porch being bigger

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I remember the porch being bigger –Robin Williams as Alan Parrish

So you said you watched Jumanji with the kids fairly recently.  Good.  There’s a scene in the movie that I really like when Robin Williams and the two younger kids are looking for Sarah since they need her to finish the game.  They’re standing on Sarah’s porch, and while Robin is reminiscing about playing on that porch with Sarah, he makes the comment, “I remember the porch being bigger.”  See, what I’ve come to understand about life is that you can never go back.  If you ever try to go back to the house you grew up in, things are older, items are moved or replaced, paint’s a different color or faded, and… the porch is always smaller.

Last night you brought up the idea that you maybe make me “hate” my life more in the sense that it’s harder for me to go through the motions while I’m away from you because I know that there’s something more desirable out there (I don’t remember exactly how you worded it, because I only glanced at it before deleting it as I was at the moment picking up Evelyn from work).  And a large part of that is true, but there’s a part that I don’t think you know about–that’s why I’m writing this.  See you have made me blatantly aware of how dissatisfied I am with my life, but that isn’t contingent on whether I’m close to you or not.  And what I mean is, if for some catastrophic reason I never saw you or heard from you again for the rest of my life (not happening!), I’d never be able to forget you.  Everything I’d see and do would still make me think of you.  Because I can’t go back.  I can’t go back to before I met you or before I fell in love with you….  I can’t go back to when the porch was bigger.
Now what you may not know is that, if I could go back, I wouldn’t.  If I got the chance to go back to my satisfied life the way it was just a year ago, I’d choose to stay right here.  And it does hurt.  It hurts sometimes to be so close to you yet out of reach…..  But I’ll take what I can I guess.  Even if I only get a glimpse of you in a day.  Even if it’s just hearing your laugh from down the hall.  Even if it’s just hearing you walk behind me when you’re heading to the breakroom.  That’s how much I fell in love with you…..  Because the truth is I want it all, but even if I can’t have it, I’m still staying right here.  Because I can’t go back, and if I could, I wouldn’t.  The porch is never going to get any bigger.  And while I “hate” my life more than ever, there’s something about you that makes me feel alive.  And every time the song stops, everything feels slower.  Again… something’s missing in the world, and a part of me has gone away.
On the day before your birthday, I told you that something I admired about you is that you’re a perfectionist (Awesomearius).  You’re a catalyst that sets the bar high for yourself and everyone around you.  You have an innate drive to improve things… you change things.  It’s one of your best gifts because, simply, the world is a better place because you lived.  When I told you that, I never thought you’d change me so much.  But you did.  I’m better because of you, and my world is a better place because you lived.  And maybe you made the porch smaller in my life, but when it comes down to it, I’m so glad that you did… because now that you’re on the porch too, since it’s smaller, I’m just that much closer to you…. And I love that.
Yours Faithfully

Heard a song while I was out

Well the reason why it was going really good is because I was listening to this beautiful song. It had this haunting melody to it. (And a killer bass line). The kind of song that gets stuck in your head long after the music stops. The kind that you catch yourself humming when you’re alone and everything’s quiet. I heard it while out running errands so I didn’t make out all the words… So I don’t know the name of the song yet. But I hope I hear it again sometime. Because it was one of those songs that when it ended, everything just seemed… Slower… Like something was missing in the world again.
Well it’s interesting describing this song because it’s hard to classify; it doesn’t really fit into any category… makes it rare and slightly…. enigmatic.  That’s part of the allure to it though.  So while it’s beautiful, you can honestly say you’ve never heard something like it ever before in your life.  Makes you feel like you’ve waited 25 years of your life to finally be alive.  But simply:  It was enchanting.  Made me feel like I was sitting next to angel singing.

X is not the problem

If I can love you and make you happy just the way you are, then you’re fine just the way you are.

Back in November when you were out of town in St. Cloud you asked me once if I ever thought you were the one who was wrong, that maybe you were the one being a jerk, that maybe you were the monster.  And my immediate thought was, “No!”  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you weren’t the problem.  And I knew that even though I hadn’t heard the other side of the story.  What I didn’t tell you was why I knew that:  It was simple.  I asked you, “Do you respect me?”  You said, “Yes.”

See, I had earned your respect.  So I knew he had lost it.  Two Equations:

X + Y = Respect
X + Z = No Respect
…X is not the problem

I’d say it to you differently now.  You said, that I make you feel pretty and desirable, and I do it effortlessly.  Is that true?  Then why would you ever think something’s wrong with you?  Truly…

So just remember:  If he starts putting you down, or if anyone starts telling you that you’re something you’re not…  Just remember that I love you.  And that if I can love you and make you happy just the way you are, then you’re fine just the way you are.

Aside

Never Forget

You put my heart back together. You found me when no one else could. You make me better. You make me believe in myself more… You bring out the best in me. And don’t forget it!

And you make me smile 🙂
I love you

Which one do you think I am?

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I don’t think any of those terms adequately describes you.  Each one of those terms are used as caricatures in the movie to define ordinary people.  And I would hardly call you ordinary.

See in the movie, the Brain is self-destructive.  The athlete has identity issues because he’s living life to please his dad.  The basket case, although a loner and has a keener perspective on life in the movie, has nothing to live for.  The princess is insecurely shallow, just trying to fit in.  And the criminal (which I’ll from now on refer to as REBEL), although free spirited, is ultimately a coward (as seen when Mr. Vernon offers up a fight).

So while you are a dork 🙂 a B isn’t the end of the world for you.

While you are athletic and have all the traits of a winner, you’re not letting other people vicariously live through you.
While you are a loner and have a deeper perspective on life, you have things to live for.
While you are a princess and pretty, you’re not shallowly just trying to fit in.
And while you are a rebellious free spirit, you are no coward.  In fact you already know I think you’re courageous.

See you’re the best of all those people.  But you don’t have their fatal flaws.  You’re extraordinary.  I would say you’re what the Architect in the Matrix calls Neo.  And keep in mind Neo’s the hero.  That makes you a heroine.  But I like it the way the Architect says it:

You’re an anomaly.

1 divided by zero equals infinity.